I started this story yesterday and then lost the draft, so I have started it again, and I need to make hay of it. . . .
My sister is a something of a hero; she is stable, thoughtful, considerate. . . accomplished, and her life is about more than herself. She is an academic and an independent woman, the ideal daughter of our parents. She could be no one else’s daughter. Yet she is unlike either of them.
So I’ve written a brief story about her. A story about who she is and how she became
that way. I have written it as a fiction, because my sister also represents other
women whom I know, and while my goal is to describe her, I do not want to be
constrained by accuracy or by the realities of what may actually occur. And since this is a short essay, I’d like to
focus it on her most important relationship, which is that with her
daughter.
For while my sister is her mother’s daughter, she is also her daughter’s mother. She has brought into her adult life the values and encouragement of her parents, but she is decidedly unlike her mother; nor did she want her mother’s life. She deliberately raised her daughter differently than she was raised. Only her daughter’s occasional unhappiness ruffles her generally calm composure, and yet there is something very familiar about my sister as a mother. And that is the intensity of her love and commitment. Never, as a child in our parents’ home, was there was anything more important than the children—not until we had moved out. In this, my sister is very much her mother.
My sister Mallorca, 2022
—————–
My sister, whom I’ll call Charla, lives in a solid, brick,
Victorian house on one of those straight streets you see in Toronto or in
smaller Ontario towns. This one is
London, or as we call it “little
London”, a small 19th century city with an established business
community and a large public university where both my sister and her husband
teach.
Charla was not raised in London. She is an American, a California girl, born in San Jose in the
mid-1950’s. She doesn’t fit any
California stereotype, and yet she is west coast, in a careful way that retains
a low-key informality, and a relaxed, pacific, American accent. She is slim and physically fit, well-dressed but
informal, with something original in her choices. Charla moved to London for a man; not her husband, but the earlier one, the one
she met as a young professor at Stanford—the one who didn’t work out and no
longer matters.
She is a professional woman, an academic, a social
scientist, speaking Mandarin and analyzing regressions. As a child in Asia, she was stared at by
those unused to seeing “Europeans”. As a
young woman, she was also used to being watched, one of the rare westerners in
Chinese villages, speaking with farmers, collecting and analyzing data on household
production. Now she is a senior
professor, with a long list of publications, a significant China economics
prize, a network of colleagues, and ongoing research projects. She is the kind of woman who thinks carefully
and does her homework; the kind whose sexuality and professional opinions are
careful and discrete, so as not to ruffle her mostly-male colleagues; the kind
of sister who studies the menu before ordering.
Today, she is cleaning up, focusing first on the kitchen and
then moving into the double living room and the dining room. The cleaning service comes just once or
twice a month, and Charla’s husband (and daughter) have never been particularly
conscious about where they leave things.
But Charla prefers order, and she is cleaning up for her daughter, Thea,
now 28 and due home later this afternoon from London, that is the “big” London
in Great Britain.
Thea is an actress, an artist, and a writer, and she is free
in a way that my sister has never been.
Charla saw her daughter’s unusual character and encouraged it, unlike her
own glamorous mother, who loved her, but insisted on rules and discipline, on prescribed
social behavior, on control, and whose decisions were rarely negotiable.
Charla’s mother was of another generation; she had a different life, one that could never let go entirely of the horrible things she saw in Europe. She wanted her children to stand out, but not too obviously; she wanted them to adapt and get along in many different circumstances. She wanted them to move forward, but she also wanted them to be safe. Charla’s mother was influenced early by the women’s movement. She went back to work and paid for two expensive college educations. She insisted that her husband make some changes around the house, but not too many changes. She took it as far as she could. For her daughter she wanted more; she wanted independence. “You can have a man but not need one.”, she said.
My sister and her (our) mother India, early 1960’s
And so Charla did.
Her husband makes some traditionalist noises, but not much more than
that. He is articulate and Canadian,
that is low key; he does his own thing and leaves the women in his family to do
theirs. As a child, Thea was blond and
gorgeous, outspoken and unafraid, or so it seemed. Her grandmother’s fears were not even a
distant memory, and her mother, unlike her grandmother, was unwilling and
unable to be an absolutist.
Thea was verbal and intelligent, and she preferred to show her
real feelings, even as she strove to fit into the largely working-class city
around her. She gravitated to other
girls, and makeup and clothes and femininity, initially to those glamorous and
slim, blond and brunette girls who get a lot of attention in smaller north
American towns, but she had a brashness and originality that eventually led her
to a more eclectic group of creative kids in her high school years. Thea enjoys
attention, more so than either of her parents, but she adores her friends and is
perfectly happy to turn her attention elsewhere. She has an associative intellect, unlike the
more linear mind of my sister; and so her
parents guided and encouraged her inclinations, leading to an arts-based
education and eventually to training as an actress in an English university.
Thea is coming home this afternoon with a man–not the first
young man that my niece has dated, nor the first that they have met, since Thea
hides nothing from her parents. But this
man sounds serious, at least Thea says he is.
He is a tall, slim, Anglo-American, who was born in England and mostly
raised in the western United States. He
too is an actor, and like Thea a very good one.
Charla’s daughter is now a young woman, still blond and beautiful with what in previous generations might have been called an English complexion, so well-shaped that one does not immediately notice that she is tiny. Her features have some tinge of our Jewish family familiar, but physically she is more clearly a re-incarnation of her beloved paternal grandmother. With all this, she has constituted an exquisite, glamorous young woman, who carries herself carefully, but with a certain freedom, aware that she is attractive—she is certainly not a prude–but not too much so. She can be timid, but she is more notably out-going and outspoken, with strong opinions, unwilling to tolerate any injustice, a bit brash, even a little loud, in contrast to her exquisite, small person. She loves her many, many, sometimes unconventional and well-chosen clothes. In her style and her presence, her fusion of glamour and strength, her occasional vulnerability, she reminds my sister of her own mother. “I’m raising my mother.” my sister has said.
My sister’s daughter taking a break from an acting gig, somewhere in the Mediterranean, 2022.
And like her grandmother she is, intensely proud of the
Jewishness she has inherited from her, of her refugee origins and her
grandfather’s commitment to social justice.
Like her mother (and her uncle) she was raised with everyone, in a primarily
Christian world where Jews are a tiny minority.
Her assimilation is innate, in her closeness to her father and his very
large Ontario-Canadian family. Yet in
her Jewishness she is linked to her mother, to her grandmother, and to the
oppressed. She is not so familiar with
ethnic Judaism as we know it in New York, or even in Los Angeles, but in little
London she was introduced to antisemitism much earlier than her northern
California mother. She has educated
herself about the tribe she was not raised with, through summer camp, through
some of her friends, through the mediums of film and theater, and through her
script writing, and she has committed herself to it.
The outline of this visit home will not be unusual in its
outward forms. There will be breakfasts
and dinners, walks in the park along the Thames River, visits to the covered
market downtown. There will be long
conversations, and I, the uncle, as always, will be very far away, getting my
telephone reports afterwards from my sister.
Of course Charla is aware of all of this, but this afternoon
she is focused on the present, on the joy of seeing her daughter, her
preparations at home and the anticipation of meeting the young man she has
heard about.
For Thea this man is important, and so is her parents’ reaction
to him. There is a little stress, as she
cannot imagine forgoing the love of any of them. This young man is not like anyone in her
family. He is tall; he is boyish, he is
seemingly relaxed, attentive, auburn, creative, strong. He is distinctly non-Jewish, or so it
appears. She doesn’t idolize him; he can
be so annoying; he isn’t always listening, and he doesn’t always give in to
what she wants. And yet she does.
She has been seeing him for about a year. Although this is fiction, I’m not sure I want to give this man a name. The purpose of this story is not only to invent but also to observe a reality, that is an eventuality, in my sister’s life. This is that her daughter will bring home a man who is delightful, but who may be foreign. Someone that my sister, who listens to everyone, and has met everyone, will have to work a bit to understand. Someone who is not like Charla’s father, a bit more like her husband, but much younger, less formed, and therefore less clear to her. There may be nothing wrong with this young man, but she has limited experience with this kind of person, and if this is serious, she wants to be convinced.
Thea and her beau are scheduled to arrive at about noon in
Toronto, and then after a two-hour layover, sometime after three at home in
little London. Thea’s arrival is never
anti-climactic. It is with a rush of
feeling and happiness, an enthusiasm that reaches out to her parents, to her
friends and even to her room. It is
high-octane and genuinely happy, suited to a girl who is loved by her parents
and loves them back, and to Thea’s enthusiastic love of the family dog. The dog’s primo is Charla, but when Thea
visits, he often sleeps in her bed.
On this trip Thea is not alone, and what matters to Charla
is what she observes in this young couple, in this young man. Would he be a reliable husband to her
daughter; can he handle her outgoing
ways, her vulnerability; is he strong
enough; does he have his own life and his own way forward; does he love her? Has he even asked her? Clearly
he adores her, but Charla chose appreciation not adoration, which she
distrusts. Her father adored her mother
consistently for fifty-five years, but he could not always see her. But Thea is a young woman who wants to be
loved and adored, and so reclaims some of the traditional interaction of male-to-female
relationships, because she has the freedom to do so. She is not threatened by it. She can need and have a man.
And this one is truly pleasant to look at, tall and with the
boyish good looks that are my niece’s preference. Friendly, just a little shy, which is
appropriate when first meeting a woman’s parents. Smart and reasonably articulate, although not in the manner of my sister’s
colleagues, and he doesn’t talk too much, leaving Thea plenty of room to assert
herself. He is successful, in his way,
with some good theater parts in his resumé, and a willingness to fill-in
financially with voice-over and restaurant work—he trained as a sommelier.
But need she marry another actor, and is he reliable? So many young men walk away as the adoration fades, from the responsibility of children. Charla’s husband needs space, but she can count on him. He certainly pulled weight when Thea was a child, and Charla was working for weeks or months in China. And Charla’s father was reliable and a protector. Her mother was free to take on whatever challenge she did or did not want, knowing that her husband would always be there.
Yes, money does matter, particularly when there are children. Thea is an actress, a good one. She is doing well in London, but acting does not provide a regular income, unless the actor is extremely successful. Charla and her husband have been good with savings, but there is only so much of it. Must Thea choose another actor? Why not a guy with a stable job, who will reliably be at home while she is working? Will this all work? And this young man—does he measure up to Charla’s two men? My niece wants children, not one or two, but three or four, so it matters. But Charla is not one to readily misjudge, and how can she tell?
The young man is a good guest. He takes their luggage up to Thea’s room ; he is willing to talk and offers to help while meals are being made; he helps clear the table. He is friendly and chatty, certainly about cultural things, and he answers questions, without revealing too much about himself. Thea says he’s a bit shy. But his parents, what are they like? Our own grandfather was an alcoholic and a failure; our father the most reliable man she ever met. . . so does it matter? Charla likes this guy, not overwhelmingly, but he is easy to get along with. And does liking him really matter, if her daughter is happy with him? Her husband grouses a bit at night, after they have gone to bed, but he would have a critical eye on any man whom his daughter brought home, and she sees that he has enjoyed talking to this one.
And so without a firm basis for knowing, Charla cannot yet
exercise instinct; she’s just not able to. So she decides to put her opinions on
hold. Her job, at this point, is to
enjoy her daughter’s visit, to have a good time, to get to know this young man
in case this seriousness persists.
And so for a wonderful week, she enjoys the long conversations at breakfast, or while walking the dog, the visits to her mother-in-law and from her brothers-in-law and their wives, visits from a few of Thea’s cousins who are around. They spend a day in Toronto, to hear a concert and to have lunch. She leaves the young couple their time alone, to explore London or to visit close high school friends. Parenting is no longer a full time job, not even part time. The thoughts are still there, but the effort can and must go to other things. Charla and her husband are retired now. She has her research and her reading, an occasional teaching or consulting gig abroad; he has his art, an occasional exhibition, and his interest in other people’s work. Someday, perhaps, they will be grandparents and then will step up again and help, assuming that Thea doesn’t wait too long.
My sister and her daughter
So she’ll encourage Thea to wait a little, not too long, enough to have some ups and downs before
committing to marriage, certainly to children.
And she won’t attempt to control it.
She doesn’t need to. It isn’t her
decision; this is her daughter’s life. She’ll suffer if her daughter is unhappy, but
that comes with the territory. Her job
is to help her daughter be free, to be herself, to shine and do good in the
world, to make her own mistakes. This is
what her own freedom, her independence, has allowed her to do. She raised and helped her daughter as best
she could; but she cannot control the backward or forward of it.
I am grieving for my country, for the optimism that we have lost.
When I was young, I believed a myth, a trajectory, that is in
the ongoing and historic progress of America, a country that was endlessly innovative
and improving, energetic, affluent, broad-based, democratic and egalitarian.
That the myth couldn’t include everyone was not then believed,
as indicated by the Civil War, the struggle for civil rights and women’s rights
and against the imperialism of the Vietnam War. Whatever the reality, the myth was sustained
by both the actuality and the illusion of progress.
My belief was taught in the national narrative and grounded in
my own advantages; the arrival of my ancestors with nothing, the steady improvements
of their circumstances, our acceptance as Jews, our material security, and the opportunities
to work towards the goals we considered to be important.
Because I lived in the myth, because my parents believed in it and the door was open, I worked hard in school and in my professional life, through challenges and successes, believing that improvement was possible at my own initiative, that resources and opportunities would always be there for me as long as I had the determination and made the effort. That prejudices against me or people like me were temporary or an inconvenience; that nothing fundamentally held me back except the choices and impediments inside of me.
And so I am an American—in my inner and outer life. American is the reason for whatever I have become. It is the ability to retain whatever I choose to retain from the past, and to move forward with and beyond it: to individuate, to create my own identity and to benefit from an ahistorical basis in opportunity and freedom. And whatever my limitations and my disappointments, which are many, I am distinctly aware that as a Jewish man and a gay one, now in my late 60’s, more was given or made available to me than at any previous time in history.
Photographer, Ad Meskens, Wikimedia.org
Now I am retired and living abroad, and I am looking at an America that has lost itself and its myth. Of course the myth was never really true, not entirely, not even for me, but it sustained me through struggles of external and internal acceptance—that I was a nerd; that my Jewish identity was important, but that it shouldn’t be too obvious, that my middle-class background wasn’t quite good enough, that I had to make money to be successful, even when other things mattered more to me, that my attraction to men was unacceptable and literally unsafe.
Yet I was sustained and propelled forward by the belief in
the myth. Reality was hard for most of
my contemporaries, but together the belief and the reality of progress sustained
us, gave us a common language, held us together and moved us forward. There are those for whom doors always appeared
to be open, but everyone struggled with something, some made compromises I was
unwilling to make, and everyone gave up some part of themselves in growing up.
In America there were others, for whom opportunities were
promised, but never adequately provided; others to whom the door remained
closed; and still others, the most ignored, from whom this country was taken. Likely they never believed the myth, but they
did not have the numbers or the influence to kill it. Now there is an ongoing, imperfect and inadequate
effort to reverse the injustice that was done them.
At the same time, and in my lifetime, many who previously had
modest and solid privileges have had them eroded or taken away. American society, indeed the world, is much
more competitive and in an unfortunate way.
Many still move here from elsewhere, to take full advantage of a freer
life or higher living standards. We have
plenty of room and capacity for the skilled, the ambitious and the talented. But most people have ordinary capabilities
and opportunity. Those who preceded us, and
their descendants, largely white, and working or middle class, who paid the taxes
and provided the safety and education we needed while we were getting our
footing, are no longer appreciated or secure. Their stories are no longer
identified with the myth of progress. Instead,
those who succeed or who suffer even greater deprivations dominate the current
narrative. We later-comers have indeed
replaced them, and many of them in-turn have moved to the right, identifying with
increasingly terrifying resentments and story-lines.
And so we have lost the essential myth, that is the belief that life America can be better for anyone and everyone. Increasingly, individual success appears to depend on talent or brilliance, lots of money, celebrity or special access. Or, it depends on correcting injustice, breaking the power of those who impede us, or fighting off those who seek to replace us. The country is fragmented by the loss of its story line. We no longer believe in progress, unless it is purely material. For some to succeed, others must give way. Of course America was never an entirely open and fluid place; as elsewhere, it is filled with selfishness and exploitation, and yet we need our myth back.
Because everyone should live in an America that has the belief that in turn can rally the resources to solve the problems and create the dreams. Because, without a myth, we can recriminate about life in America, but we cannot come together, and if we cannot come together, we are stuck and cannot improve it. We need to go back to the old story of open opportunity and redefine it in ways that make sense for the country we are now. Once again we should redefine success and continue to open up who has access to it. There is nothing new to this; we need to get back to it.
We need to bend and rework the institutions that funnel the power, the attention and the benefits to very few, be they rich white men, undervalued women or deserving minorities. America is bigger than that. It is not more minorities or women at Princeton that we need, although that is laudable, but more Princetons, so that we can accommodate everyone qualified, including those too-often overlooked, as well as young white men and the children of the rich. Because everyone has a right to succeed and make a contribution. Of course it has never and may never really work out as it should. But we must be willing to believe that it can, in order to open our society up and improve it. We should have a myth and reach for it. Without that belief, without a vision, our society is a fixed pie, where limited benefits must be taken from those who dominate or kept from those who claim and threaten. It is a country that will be constantly at war with itself. And that is not the America that I have loved.
Vienna is not huge. It is a substantial city, and it is a capital city, with about 2 million inhabitants, and about 2.6 million in its metropolitan area. It has a long history, combining remnants of Imperial Majesty with established and privileged middle class culture, the memory of terrible prejudices, and a strong and sometimes right-wing tradition of populism and social democracy. It is a cosmopolitan center, a mixed place for a very long time, attracting and blending Germans, Slavs, Italians and Hungarians. There used to be many Jews, now very few, although our number will grow with new Jewish refugees from the Ukraine and the several thousand passports that have/are being given to descendants of Austria’s Nazi victims. There are Turks, who have now been here for some time, and a sprinkling of everyone from everywhere else.
Vienna from the gardens of the Belvedere Palace
Have I seen and understood all this in a mere six weeks? Certainly not, at least not too deeply. But I can see elements of it, and they are a unique and entrancing blend that make this an interesting and urbane place, although calmer and smaller than the New York I have been used to.
At the center of Vienna is its Innere Stadt (Inner City), and the old Hofburg or Imperial Palace of the Hapsburgs, who ruled this place and many others for hundreds of years. I haven’t yet been to the Hofburg; I confess that Imperial Majesty does not particularly interest me. Grandeur is often more impressive than it is exquisite.
I am a new Austrian citizen, one of those descendants of Nazi victims, now living in a short-term rental apartment in the Meidling District (Bezirk 12), a collection of former villages melded into an urban working class neighborhood at the end of the 19th century. The buildings are low-rise, five or six stories generally, with flat stucco/cement facades. They are colorless, and the streets don’t have trees. I am told that much of this area was bombed at the end of World War II and then rebuilt.
Nevertheless, I am enjoying the Meidling. It is clean and the services are superb, with at least three supermarkets within a five-minute walk and a very good outdoor market, the Meidlinger Markt, with permanent structures on a nearby square. Every basic service imaginable is within a few blocks of me, many on a large pedestrian shopping street, the Meidlinger Hauptstrassse, where strangely enough (to the New Yorker) none of the stores are vacant or closed and all look busy with pedestrian shoppers. Most of the stores are chains, and few of them beautiful, but here and there are places to get special things. This especially at the Markt which has a superb small restaurant and a very good wine and cheese store. I have met the owners of these places, and they are interesting people whose English is far better than my German.
The supermarkets are reasonably priced and well-stocked. One has an in-market bakery and a cheese section; another has inexpensive jams and alcohol. I bought a sim card and phone number in one, with an ID card, and the monthly subscription is $11-12, for calls within Austria.
The bread here is very good, dense, grainy, tasty. I find it in the supermarkets, on the market square and at a nearby bakery. Eating it in the morning is like having a full meal. And at the bakery, there is a plain, elongated pastry, with a sweet poppyseed filling, which reminds me of the humentaschen we had as children at Purim. It has a different shape and name, and the crust and the taste are better, but it is very much the same.
I was never a boy who had an interest in trains, yet I am wowed by the transportation system, the metro lines and the streetcars—I have hardly yet tried the buses. Some of the tracks are below ground or partially so, and some are elevated, so the scenery and the light are constantly changing. What I see from the trains is not a consistent street pattern, but a series of places that have been tied together.
a metro entrance near the Schönbrunn Palace
metro station at Gumpendorfer Strasse
Gumpendorfer Strasse station, looking to the street
Google maps points me easily to the best routes to take, and I am nearly anywhere I want to go in a half hour or less. The trains are quiet and sometimes busy, but not overcrowded, the stations are well maintained, with working elevators, and they are clean. What a pleasant surprise! Some, presumably those pictured here, are more than a century old, designed by the famous Viennese architect, Otto Wagner. Many, particularly the larger ones, are more recent, as the system was expanded beginning in the 1970’s. Riding is peaceful. There are a few crazy people and a few asking for money or imposing their music. But in far fewer numbers than in New York. Are there fewer of them, or are they taken care of differently? I don’t know yet.
Generally, the city is very clean, both the streets and the metro stations. There are public bathrooms, sometimes in the stations or in parks, markets, and squares. They are manned (or wo-manned), sometimes renovated and typically spotless. The cost is 50 cents, and well worth it. What a pleasure to avoid the stress of looking for a bathroom. (In New York, I walk into cafés, restaurants or hotels—sometimes I have to ask. Fortunately, I can. . . a freedom perhaps not available to everyone. Here anybody just pays.) And then there are the public swimming pools, to be discussed. . . !
Some of the most extraordinary elements of Vienna developed from its 19th century bourgeois culture, they are for and by those who can pay something for them. Luxury had been extremely limited, before being brought forward to a much broader public in the 19th century. The three most evident here are the coffee house, the museum and the concert hall. But a detailed discussion of these, again, will follow.
Regarding the streetscape, many neighborhoods are also dominated by buildings from the 19th century. When I read about the development of Vienna—more specifically when I read the historian Carl Schorske, I understand Vienna’s pre-modern Inner City to have been surrounded by its 19th century Ringstrasse. But my walks are leading me to the broader observation that 19th century buildings not only surround, but also penetrate the inner core. There is a thick band of buildings inside much of the Ring, and even at the center of the Innere Stadt, that is 19th century buildings as well.
Beyond the Ring, there is yet another thick band of 19th century construction and beyond that, even more 19th century neighborhoods. Vienna’s grandeur largely reflects this 19th century peak in its urban development, or what Schorske describes as the peak of its Liberal order. This grandeur post-dates the city’s prime as an Imperial Capital, since Austria was relatively stronger in the 18th than it was in the late 19th century. (Faced with Napoleon, the Hapsburgs dissolved the Holy Roman Empire in 1806 and lost a significant war to Prussia in 1866.)
the Ringstrasse in its elegance
and in its austerity, behind the Ringstrasse, looking towards the Innere Stadt
The architectural character of Vienna, in the eclectic historical style of the 19th century, is nevertheless austere. The facades are detailed, but somber. The facades dominate the street, generally not the trees and not what inhabits them. The buildings are primarily residential, and retail space often seems unimportant, a characteristic again described by Schorske. In fact active retail is often nonexistent except in the old center, on certain commercial streets, and on the most central segment of the Ringstrasse.
Thus there is stature but an often austere emptiness to Vienna’s 19th century streetscape that is completely unlike the more lively dense streets of the Innere Stadt. And as Schorske mentions, the 19th century buildings are typically an adjunct to the movement of the street, which he contrasts with the oppositional view of buildings on a square. In Paris, the 19th century boulevard often has a focal point, the Arc de Triomphe, La Madeleine, the Place de la Concorde, and it often has active outdoor cafés and retail space. The Innere Stadt has these; but not so much the 19th century districts.
Aunt Dora, our grandmother’s sister, is someone we never knew. We did not know her because she was unable to
get out of Austria.
While preparing our Austrian citizenship applications, our lawyers hired an archivist to document evidence that our family were victims of Nazi persecution. The archivist discovered that Aunt Dora was deported in 1941. The archivist also found her name in the Yad Vashem Holocaust database in Jerusalem. Without our asking, her name was added to the wall of names at the new Holocaust Memorial in Vienna, dedicated a few months ago.
Why does Aunt Dora matter? She has been dead for decades, and she we was never part of my life. But she should have been. She was divorced and re-married, without children of her own. For a number of years she lived in our grandparents’ building in Vienna’s Ottakring district, and she worked with them. She knew her niece (my mother) and her nephews.
She was relatively young when she died, about 46. I too am single and an uncle. Won’t I meet my niece’s children?
I never really thought about her, but now I see that because
she was taken, it was important that
she be forgotten. And now that I am
in Vienna, reconciliation with the past means that I want to know something
about her, even if it is very little. This although the events that took her away were
those that created me.
So let me write what I do know. I have posted this photograph before, but
with an eye to my great-grandfather and to my grandmother on the right. The dark-haired woman on the left is Aunt
Dora.
Dora Landau, on the left, with her father Leib and her younger sister, Clara (my grandmother).
My mother, Alice (born 1928), had two brothers. The older uncle George (born in 1922) wrote several entries about Dora in a memoir:
“Her [his mother, Clara’s] father had been a farmer in Galicia,
then a part of the Austria-Hungary Empire.
At the start of World War I, he sold his farm and parents and daughters
moved to Vienna. Her older sister [Dora]
soon married, her younger sister was sent to a girl’s home in Slovakia, and Clara
went to one in Vienna, diligently learning the trade of sheitel maker.”
According to the archivist’s research, Dora was born in Tysminiza-Stanislau on May 10, 1895. She married Zalel Diamant in 1920 and divorced him in 1921.
My younger uncle, Jack (born 1924), wrote this about Vienna:
“Wagons drawn by horses were fun. You jumped on the back of
the wagon until the driver saw you and chased you off. One day on such a ride, the driver snapped
his whip and caught my new coat before I could jump off. It made a slit in my coat. How was I going to explain this one. Well I had my favorite aunt living in the
same building as I did. She took me to a
tailor who was able to fix it so you could not see the damage. After this I only jumped on closed wagons that
had a platform in the back and the driver could not see me. . . . “
My cousin Elliot sent me this a year or two ago. Uncle Jack was a charming writer, and he should
be given credit, as he spoke only German until he was 15.
But George wrote much more, and he had a remarkable, almost
photographic, memory:
His parents met when his mother made a new wig, or sheitel,
for his paternal grandmother. My
grandfather, at the time, was a widower with, two young boys:
“To take care of us children he hired a young farm
girl. He stayed a widower for almost two
years until he met Clara Landau, the wig maker, who then decided to act as a
matchmaker.
Clara’s older sister [Dora] had been divorced and was
childless. A chance for the sister to
marry the widower was in the making. But
my father decided to woo the young, beautiful, blond virgin rather than the
older divorcee. They were wed in March
of 1926, and I now had a new mother.
Every place I went with her I always introduced her as my “New Mother”.
“Once when we had my aunts (my new mother’s sisters)
visiting, we all sat around in the veranda.
Because some funny stories were being told, I just had to butt in with a
story myself.
I remember it was something about meeting a bear and
fighting that bear with a stick and driving him off. I was really proud of myself, but without my
noticing it, my Aunt Dora left the room, picked up a bearskin rug from my
parents’ bedroom and crept into the veranda on her hands and knees. I remember screaming and running to hide in
back of somebody. My aunt stood up, and
dropping the rug, wanted to know where the brave little boy was now. I cried inconsolably for quite a while; I
don’t know whether it was because I was so frightened or because I had been
shown up about that made-up story. “
At some point, in the late 1920’s or early 1930’s, a portion
of the rear of George’s parents’ courtyard building was converted into an
apartment for his new grandparents and their oldest and younger daughters. Aunt Dora helped in the restaurant that his
parents opened on the ground floor.
(They later bought and operated a larger Gasthaus, a 7 Hell Gasse, four
blocks away.)
George also described going to the Danube beach to play, with his Mother and Aunt Dora. The women sat on blankets with the baby, my mother, while the boys ran around, sometimes on top of the levees or playing balls. It was Aunt Dora who went after them when they went too far. And then again, “One summer, when I was eight years old, we actually went to the country. . . My father had made arrangements for the family to stay on a farm on the outskirts of Vienna for a month. Alice was still very young and our Aunt Dora came along to help take care of her because by this time we no longer had a hired maid/nanny. . . When my Aunt Dora saw a cockroach (they were about one-and-a-half inches long there) running over the table, she had to run outside to vomit, but we stayed there anyway. . . “
During another summer, “When Jack came home from camp, I
went with my Aunt Dora to pick him up where the bus dropped everybody off. He came back with only the clothing on his
back and one pair of dirty underwear in his backpack. We attempted to complain to the person in
charge when he was checked off to go home, but were brushed aside.”
Then, “. . my Aunt
Dora went to pick up Alice from school, as she usually did. (She also always took Alice to school in the
morning. She had done this since Alice
started school.) When the girls in Alice’s
class lined up and started down the stairs from their classroom, Alice was
pushed and she fell down the whole flight of stairs. Luckily, she didn’t seem to be hurt too badly
and Aunt Dora consoled her and brought her to the Gasthaus.”
Dress clothes were made at the tailor, generally for Passover or the High Holidays. “But Aunt Salka [the younger sister] or Aunt Dora most always sewed our shirts and underwear.”
And then more seriously, my uncle’s description of a visit
from the Nazi stormtroopers:
“Juden,
macht auf!” “Juden macht auf!” Heavy
fists were banging on our door.
I
put my forefinger over my lips for everyone to be quiet and motioned to them to
go into the kitchen. What should we do? Thoughts were racing through my mind.
What will happen if we opened up? What if we played that nobody was home? Would
they go away? Was our fate now thrust into my 15 ½ years old hands?
More
banging and “Juden macht auf!” “Juden macht auf!”
What if we went into our parents’ bedroom and hid under the bed? What if the door finally gave away and they came in and found us? What if we went from the kitchen into the veranda and from there into an attic of an adjoining building and hid there? Could we do it without making any noise? What if they found us anyway? Would it be better if we opened up?
“Juden
macht auf!” “Juden macht auf!”
The door to our apartment was a double door. The stationary side was bolted to the transom on top and to the floor on the bottom. The floor bolt seemed to hold; the top bolt started to splinter the transom bottom but the lock in the center still held. I looked into the dark kitchen. My sister, turned ten in the middle of March, was cowering terrified in the corner behind a credenza. My fourteen-year-old brother was next to her on the floor. I can still visualize the terror in his eyes. My aunt was on the floor next to them, slowly stroking their heads trying to keep them calm. If we were quiet, maybe they would go away.” The stormtroopers left because the neighbor, a shoemaker, told them that no one was at home.
In December 1938, the death of Dora and Clara’s father coincided roughly with my grandparents’ approval to leave for the United States. They left in January 1939, but Dora’s paperwork was not ready, and she had to stay behind. My mother once said that Dora had stayed to take care of her father, and this is alluded to here:
“My
Aunt Dora still had not received her affidavit and, therefore, could not make
arrangements to leave Austria. (It
apparently was very difficult to provide these affidavits here in America. While my father’s family was able to get them
for us, there were apparently insufficient guarantees to include her. She had two brothers and several cousins
here. It took all their efforts to
provide affidavits for her and my Aunt Salka and her husband who were in
Switzerland. This, however, did not
occur until we were already in America.
By the time her papers were ready, they were of no use. She had married, for companionship or to save
another soul who could come with her to America as her husband. It did not matter. The process had to be started again. By that time we had lost contact with her,
never to hear from her again.”
My
grandfather had died on December 14th and thus blessedly relieved
her of taking care of him or having to worry what to do if he still lived when
she was ready to leave.”
Please excuse me if all of this has been too long for the reader. What it says is that my grandparents took care of their parents and of Dora, and that she took care of them, until they had to leave without her. My older uncle did not attribute to her the strong personality with which he described his “new mother”, but the children knew her. She was there.
Someone, my mother or George, said that she was living in my
grandparents’ building when they left—or rather my grandfather had traded
that building for some factory equipment, which was sent ahead to the US, and for
some kind of protection for Dora.
According to the Yad Vashem database Dora was deported to Minsk in transport 12 on the 28th of November 1941, from an address at 21/27 Türkenstrasse in Vienna’s 9th District. She even had a prisoner number, 849. Here is the Yad Vashem link that details Transport 12, https://deportation.yadvashem.org/index.html?language=en&itemId=7003403 Dora was murdered on May 20, 1942.
Here is a section of the new Holocaust Memorial and, at the bottom of the lower photo, Aunt Dora’s name.
And below, hauntingly, is the building at 21/27 Türkenstrasse. There are memorial plaques on the pavers outside, one generally for the 35 people who were deported from this building. Four others, for individuals, one of whom was sent to Minsk on the same date. Why was Dora here? Was she forced to move here? Did her husband live here? I do not know.
As I understand Viennese addresses 21/27 Türkenstrasse is building number 21, visible here, and apartment number 27. This building is not too far from the new memorial and the Ringstrasse.
On the left: “In commemoration of the 35 Jewish women, men, and children who lived in this house. Before they were deported by the Nazis and murdered.” Note also, upper right hand corner, that Ms. Ketschkemet, was also deported to Minsk, on the same date as Dora.
Both George’s memoir and our mother spoke of their mother Clara’s grief and guilt at her disappearance. She had been saved, and her sister had not. She had married the man that she intended for her sister, and consequently the sister had not lived. This is perhaps why Dora, in some sense, had to be forgotten. Or more precisely, forgotten by my mother, who was only 11 when she left Austria—and who said very little about her except that she had disappeared.
And so I’ve come back here, Dora, to acknowledge your existence, even though I cannot know you. You had a family; you were not forgotten, and you exist here again, through me.
A side note: There was a bit of difficulty matching Dora Diamant to her Landau family. However, as noted, the archivist located a Dora Landau who was married to Zalel Diamant in 1920 and divorced in 1921. She was born in 1895 in Tysminiza/Stanislau. Stanislau is now known as Ivano Frankivsk, and Tysminiza is to its east. Uncle George notes that both Grandfather Leib Landau and Clara Landau, his mother, were from Jaslowitce (now known as Pomortsky), a bit further east. (Spellings for these towns vary with the source.) Both Tysminiza and Jaslowitce are southeast of Lemburg (now known as Lviv).
Before World War II, my maternal grandparents owned an Auskocherei and then a Gasthaus in the Ottakring district of Vienna. About the first restaurant, my uncle wrote:
“My family’s little restaurant offered some specialties once in a while. My father decided to make apple strudel for sale by the piece. He had a big wooden box made which held a number of baking pans with spaces in between. The strudels were made four to a pan. The pans were slid into the box and then carried to the bakery across the street on the corner, where they were baked in the afternoon, when the ovens were not used (they were kept hot round the clock). When done the strudels were brought back in the box. The restaurant had a deep enough window to display a pan with strudels. . . “
My grandfather learned how to cook during World War I, in the Austrian army. He became a successful manufacturer in America, but he made strudel for us more than once and for my Bar Mitzvah reception in California in 1967. The dough was rolled out until it was paper thin, carefully stretched across our entire dining table. Sliced apple and walnuts (I think) were rolled into the dough, which was then sliced into individual pieces.
.
strudel for sale in the window of an outdoor café at the Meidlinger Market
My mother was also a very good cook. Her general preferences were Californian, that is healthy and simple, but she inherited a taste and a skill for some of the food of her childhood.
However she did not like baking. Diet and health conscious, she limited what was brought into the house, and northern California in the 1950’s was a wasteland for good baked goods. (Remember Sarah Lee in the freezer case? The opening of a European bakery, circa 1970 in downtown Los Gatos, was a big deal.)
Nevertheless my mother had very clear ideas of what was and was not good. “Too sweet” she often said about the cakes we were served in the United States. It is Vienna that formed her standards, but our exposure to it was limited.
For my entire adult life, I have enjoyed reading with a cup of coffee and a good piece of cake. It is an idealized leisure, a frequent goal, a fantasy. Finding the right place and table and sitting undisturbed was a problem in my many years in New York. The cafés were crowded and noisy, the cakes too sweet, the coffee made too quickly, and time at the table was limited. So I have brought my dream with me to Vienna, and I am exploring this fantasy against the background of my mother’s tastes and history.
Following is a series of essays and photographs of Vienna’s cafés or kaffeehäuser. This is a work in progress; I revise and add to it from time to time. I have and will be writing about a variety of places, including some that are famous and historic. But my interests are broader than that, and my tastes incline to the somewhat less-well-known.
Of course there is the food, but I am equally interested in the context, that is the rooms, the service, the street and the neighborhood. My learning curve is steep; I am new to the city; my German is poor; Austrian food is complex and sophisticated, and yet not everything is as wonderful and delicious as I had imagined. My mother passed-on some idea of what is good, but I struggle to define it. Nevertheless, there are many interesting places in Vienna for stopping and talking, and reading and eating at leisure with a cup of coffee.
.
CAFÉ GOLDENER PAPAGEI
November 2022
I am living right now in Leopoldstadt, about a five minute walk from the old city center. This was a largely Jewish neighborhood, until the late 1930’s, and there are again a significant number of Orthodox Jews. My grandmother was a sheitel macher before her marriage, that is a wig maker for orthodox Jewish women. She lived in Leopoldstadt after leaving Galicia (then part of Austria, presently divided between Poland and the Ukraine), and started her business here. Her parents also lived here, as did cousins, but I do not know where.
I have briefly rented a nice apartment from a young Austrian economist, living in Paris, and from his place, I walk to supermarkets, to the well known Karmelitermarkt, past some kosher places that cater to the Orthodox or older classics, like an ancient church or an 18-century Apotheke (pharmacy) each about two blocks away. Most of what I see are neighborhood stores of no particular character. But there are also some new and carefully designed places that cater to a visually more sophisticated and younger crowd. Thus Café Goldener Papagei, which means Golden Parrot.
Café Goldener is located on the Praterstrasse, where it narrows and becomes a neighborhood street, before continuing to Donaustrasse and the Danube canal. The café sits where Praterstrasse meets Kirkusgasse and opens up into a small plaza, framed with handsome older buildings, and with a statue of Johann Nestroy, a great 19th century playwright, actor and singer. I’ve been to the café now twice; it is a lovely windowed space, with outdoor seating for warmer weather. And I have chosen the same seat each time, at a window looking out to the statue.
Nestroy
.
I saw and ordered an apple cake, apfelkuche, at the display counter and eventually two cups of coffee, americano, that is espresso with extra hot water. The cake looked a bit like a tart, with a crumb crust and a crumb top. The middle was a thick layer of sliced apples with a thin layer of sliced almonds. The cake was good–a little more fruit a little less crust would have been ideal (after discussing it with my friend Stefani). But I could have sat there endlessly. My book was new and engaging; and the crowd was young, and as you can see, attractive.
.
CAFÉ PRÜCKEL
November 2022
A lot has been written about Café Prückel. The Wikipedia entry is detailed, and the café has a fully explanatory website. I’ll try not to repeat too much of it.
The café was founded under another name shortly after 1900 and has retained its spatial grandeur. Some may regret the 1950’s re-design, but the old style can be seen elsewhere, specifically at the back of the café, where it has been restored, or in Cafés Landtmann and Central.
The redesign by Oswald Haerdtl is both exceptional and unusual. Haerdtl (1899-1959) worked in Josef Hoffman’s studio in the 1920’s and designed a couple of World Exhibition pavilions for Austria in the 1930’s. He became prominent, a professor and eventually architect of the Museum der Stadt Wien among other projects (1959, now being enlarged).
Haerdtl also designed furniture, cutlery, and dishes and other cafés (now demolished). Among these was the Café Arabia on Kohlmarkt Street, designed for Alfred Weiss in the 1950’s and currently the subject of an exhibition at the Jewish Museum on Judenplatz.
The interior of Café Prückel is light filled and modernist, in an old and timeless way, with small tables, chairs, banquettes, and lamps. The upholstery is worn and comfortable, and there are several newspapers to choose from.
I have been to this café a number of times, and it is a favorite. It is at the quieter, southern edge of the inner city, although it can be busy, especially on weekends. The waiters are old-school and in black tie, but not unfriendly, and the crowd is largely Austrian. The choices are extensive, with both à la carte and a daily menu. The food is traditional and good, the cake selection not overly complex. There are music and cultural events, but I have not yet been to them.
This afternoon, I walked in for lunch, found a good corner banquette table, and ordered wiener schnitzel and a green salad, followed by very good mohn-weischel strudel (poppy seed and cherry filling) and black café americano. The bill, including tip, was 30 euros.
mohn-weischel (poppy seed) strudel
oudoor seating on Luegerplatz, MAK Museum for Applied Arts, across the avenue at the rear
The café wraps around the outside corner of its Ringstrasse building, with a main corner entrance, and outside seating along Luegerplatz. Karl Lueger was the popular and populist anti-semitic politician and mayor of Vienna from 1897 to 1910. Repelling and fascinating, the statue still stands in this plaza, its base spray- painted with “Schande” (shame) since September 2020.
But at Prückel, it is easy to forget that openness and tolerance are more critical to civilization than refinement or good food.
Karl Lueger
THE SCHLOSS CAFÉ
Spring 2022
One weekend afternoon my destination was the Belvedere Palace. The train left me at the back entrance to its park, whereas my preference would have been to enter from the heart of the city at the front. So I walked through the rear formal garden, past the huge profile of the upper Belvedere, through a still-more-formal French garden to the lower Belvedere, the original house, and the front gate.
As I passed the side of the upper Belvedere, I saw a sign for the “castle” or Schloss Café; the day’s menu included a pork schnitzel with parsley and potatoes, and so I decided to return after my walk.
A side of the upper Belvedere Palace
The schnitzel was my first good one in Vienna–light and tender, tasty and crispy. It covered the entire plate with a small portion of cranberry sauce and, underneath, a few blanched or boiled potatoes, sprinkled with parsley. I had it with a small bottle of sparkling water. This was a fairly quick one-course meal, with the usual polite and professional service; but there is never a rush. The bill was 17.90 euros including tip.
The room is plain; which is to say that it is presented with only a few important elements. It has a marble floor, plain café tables and banquettes, a vaulted ceiling, a chandelier, and a large portrait, perhaps of the Empress Elisabeth.
the schnitzel
the Schloss Café dining room
CAFÉ BEAULIEU
Spring 2022.
I had tried a number of coffee houses, or Kaffeehaüser, but my first entry for this article was lunch at Beaulieu, a French café in the Ferstel Passage in the Innere Stadt (Inner City). This place does not match the Kaffeehaus definition, but a Brazilian-born acquaintance and friend, who has lived in Vienna for many years, told me to stick to the side streets in the Innere Stadt, to find the places where the Viennese go, and where we tourists do not. A French café in the Ferstel passage met this definition. The passage is in an Italian-Renaissance-style building that dates from 1860, and originally housed a stock-exchange and a bank.
Entrance to the Café Beaulieu
A larger view of the Ferstel Passage
The interior of the café is a bit less extraordinary than the entrance; nevertheless it is a lovely and intimate place. It is entered through a small retail section, that sells French wine, cheese and pastry. This opens to a long double-height room with clothed tables, and at 1PM it was busy with Viennese at lunch.
I was given a table on the mezzanine level, where I ordered quiche and salad, followed by a macaron and coffee. There was nothing exceptional in my choices, but the quiche was unusually creamy and tasty, and the salad was very fresh and good. The earthenware plates were unexpected, but the service was careful, professional and friendly, and the waiter spoke French–after seeing my French language guidebook. The cost of the whole thing was about 20 euros, including tip. Since it’s not typically Austrian, I’m not sure that I would recommend this place during a short visit, but mine is not a short visit, and this is very near to the Bank Austria Kuntsforum, where I saw the David Hockney show, right afterwards.
.
SLUKA CONDITOREI
May 2023
There are two Sluka cafés in Vienna, one on Kartnerstrasse in the inner city, the Innere Stadt, and the other on Rathausplatz, which translates to city hall place. I chose to go to Rathausplatz, in the mid-afternoon, assuming it would be quieter, and mostly that was the case.
the interior of café Sulka on Rathausplatz
This café has a traditional and not overly large interior, not as grand or crowded as some others, but with an attractive and visible pastry case. I had been told that the strudel is good here, so of course I eyed all three: apple (apfel), cheese/curd (topfen), and apricot (marillen).
the pastry case, not including the strudel
The interior is charming in a conventional old-fashioned way, red and gold with thonet chairs. But the windows are large, and the outdoor setting and seating are extraordinary.
Rathausplatz is centered on a very large and gothic city hall, and on a park, which in turn faces the Ringstrasse, the wide 19th century boulevard that replaced the old city walls and is lined with classical apartment houses and major public buildings.
Sluka is located under the grand arcade of one of these apartment houses. The arcade is tall with muscular columns, ornamented, and vaguely gothic. The weather was cool and gorgeous.
In Fin-de-Siecle Vienna, Karl Schorske refers to Rathaus quarter architects “concealing businesses or store fronts beneath costly arcades, in the manner of the rue de Rivoli in Paris… “, but the rue de Rivoli is now lined with cheap curio shops and filled with T-shirts on display. This arcade, facing the park, is at a larger scale with a more dignified appearance.
Sulka, outdoor seating under the arcade
But Sulka is not as big, as crowded, or as old as Angelina, the famous café on the rue de Rivoli, and its pastry is not as delicate. My sister and I both ordered strudel: I the marillen, she the apple. The fruit was superb and the schlagobers (whipped cream) perfect, that is not too sweet. But the crusts, we agreed, were elastic and damp.
“Among the so-called neurotics of our day there are a good many who in other ages would not have been neurotic—that is divided against themselves. If they had lived in a period and in a milieu in which man was still linked by myth with the world of his ancestors, and thus with nature truly experienced and not merely seen from the outside, they would have been spared this division with themselves. I am speaking of those who cannot tolerate the loss of myth and who can neither find a way to a merely exterior world, to the world as seen by science, nor rest satisfied with an intellectual juggling with words, which has nothing whatsoever to do with wisdom.”
Carl Jung, Memories Dreams and Reflections, p. 172 (Thanks to Gerry Perlman for recommending this book.)
“My whole being was seeking for something still unknown which might confer meaning upon the banality of life.”
Carl Jung, Ibid., p. 197
Thousands of stories have been written about the Holocaust and its individual experiences. So many, perhaps, that some may feel that its evil is too endlessly repeated and no greater than many others. The present currency of the term “Nazi” finds moral equivalence between today’s evils and those of the 1930’s. To me this perspective is insulting; now I’ve made myself clear and have no need to go further. But I do not believe that my observations have more significance than others’. I am searching and writing now for me, for my personal development. I share only to express myself, and perhaps to help someone else.
I am an American, now in Vienna, and I realized yesterday that I want to be as Austrian as I am French, because in doing so, something will heal inside of me.
Living in France, as a young man, I found a freedom, through language and friends, to connect with sensibilities that were not fully developed where I had lived, a freedom to enlarge myself in ways that had not previously been available to me. Did this have something to do with my mother? I don’t really know. It will be much harder to do this now—I am 68—but that is what I would like to do in Vienna.
I do not yet understand how, but it is important to connect with the world my mother and her ancestors left. Our family turned its back completely on Germany and Austria (Nazis), and on central and eastern Europe (anti-Semites generally–which why, now, I am giving to the Hebrew Immigrant Aid Society, to help Ukrainian refugees, and to have Jewish organizations be seen helping them.) Unlike some other families who retained ties with German or Austrian culture, ours had no interest in keeping any of it.
From Austria, we had, occasionally, wiener schnitzel and apple strudel. Otherwise we retained only our Judaism, and then assimilated into America, into California, as quickly as we could.
Was my family ever really Austrian? My mother and her brothers were born in Vienna. And, yes, in the broader, imperial sense, their parents were German speakers, lived in Vienna, and had moved to Vienna from Galicia, an Austrian province, presently divided between Poland and the Ukraine. Yes, because our grandfather, a great-grandfather, and a great uncle served in the Austrian army in World War I. Yes, because Austria was a polyglot empire that included Germans, Czechs, Hungarians, Italians, Slavs and Jews. Yes, because Vienna, even today, has residents of and descended from these various backgrounds. Yes, because our family was assimilating, that is letting go of the habits of Jewish orthodoxy, and more broadly interacting in pre-World War II Vienna.
Although undoubtedly my grandparents viewed themselves as Jews or Viennese, and not as German, the movement away from orthodoxy and the ghetto was not complete. It was aborted, and the benefits (and losses) of assimilation were only fully achieved in the United States.
A secularized American, I have returned to Vienna as a new Austrian citizen, and therefore quite clearly as a Jew. Many others are taking advantage of new Austrian legislation that has allowed us to claim or re-claim its citizenship. Others have moved here or are visiting. But this is a very alone and individual effort for me.
On Monday, I took a local train and a streetcar to Vienna’s Zentralfriedhof, or Central Cemetery, in order to visit the grave of our great-grandfather. The coordinates were given to us by our Vienna lawyers, during research for our citizenship applications. Gate IV, the new Jewish section, Group 021, Row 033, Grab 029. I found it; after a couple of wrong-turns, and I was looking right at it. Leib Landau, after whom I am named, was buried here in his eighties, in December 1938.
Behind Gate 4 in the Zentralfriedhof
Group 21, Row 33
Grave 029, but the burial was in 1938, not 1939
I know relatively little about Grandfather Landau. My mother told me that he was a wealthy farmer, who sold his property in Poland, moved to Vienna, lost everything in a currency crash, and never recovered. He had three daughters, my grandmother Clara and two aunts; Salka, like my grandmother and her family, escaped and settled on Manhattan’s Lower East Side; Dora was unable to get out and disappeared. (We learned in preparing our citizenship applications that she was deported to Minsk.) There was also an Uncle Jack in New York, who helped organize the guarantees of support then necessary for his sisters to emigrate to the US; he was gay, my mother said and committed suicide.
Our Uncle George’s writes that Leib Landau was born in Jaslowitce, Austria (Poland); his tomb stone shows his birth as 1854. (On the internet this town is now Pomortsky, located southeast of Lviv, in the Ukraine.) He married Chana Pfeffer, with whom he had six children, three boys followed by three girls. The oldest left for the United States at the beginning of World War I. Another went to Palestine. The gay son fought in an Austrian mountain brigade. I saw a picture of him somewhere in a Tyrolean hat. The family moved to Vienna, also at the beginning of World War I. Leib and Chana eventually moved into my grandparents’ small apartment building at Freidrich-Kaiser-Gasse 21 in Vienna. Chana died in 1934.
Chana Pfeffer Landau, photo from Fran Shaller
Chana and Leib Landau, photo from Fran Shaller
Aunt Salka, Fran, Anny, and Uncle Jack, in New York
The pictures help, but this is a pretty dry narrative; I didn’t know any of them; I hardly even remember my grandmother.
But at the cemetery, I had a strong feeling that I was the first one there, the first family member to have visited since 1938.
My mother’s family left for New York a month after the burial, in January 1939. There cannot have been a gravestone, as these are traditionally placed a year after death. ) Might the remaining daughter have visited, after the Germans were in Vienna? Might another descendant have shown up? A descendant of the New York or Palestine brothers, about whom I know nothing? Or is my intuition true?
I think it is. Until now, none of us ever thought about or wanted to come back.
There are a few more mysteries, at least for now.
It is a relatively new gravestone with other identical new gravestones around it: of others who died at about the same time. Who put these here, the Jewish community?
Where is our great-grandmother, Chana Landau? Why aren’t they together?
There are many recent gravestones behind Gate IV. The Viennese Jewish community, I thought, was fairly small. Can it have filled these recent graves? Or have refugees asked to be returned to Vienna for burial?
I hope to find this out in the coming weeks or months.
I flew into Vienna on Wednesday, and today, briefly, I felt that I was out of my mind to have come. I have some old, inherited fear. . . But the move is temporary, and it feels important, although I can’t explain exactly why.
Why would I want to move to such a place—that is a place that we ran from over eight decades ago? A city where my grandparents were migrants, from present-day Poland and (unbelievably now) the Ukraine, a city that my mother left as a child? There was no feeling of loss on her part—except the loss of security and of innocence–only fear and loathing.
So why do I care? Because I have always felt that there was something unexplained. I did not feel quite at home as a child in California (although that may have been home, more than anyplace else), and I was no better than an acclimated foreigner in Asia or in Paris. (Although they taught me much that drew me in.) I never quite “fit-in” to New York, even during thirty-six years. I don’t like its values, what it encourage us to become, although I am very lucky to have lived there–for my generation, it was the ideal place for the adult life of a gay man. I may not belong to any place, but I am still looking.
There is something in Vienna that is unexplained, something psychological or emotional that draws from further east and from the past; it reminds us that we do not merely spring from our own lifetimes. I felt a bit of it in Israel, and I’m sure I could find more of it there—an emotional familiarity, a link with a very long shared history. But I can’t just step into modern Israel, with all of its wonderfulness, because its problems trouble me—I don’t want or need to own them, despite its importance. Before I try Israel again, there is something that comes in-between Israel and America, almost 2,000 years in Europe. I felt some of it in France; but we are from central and eastern Europe. I’d like to know whether there is a bond; how it formed me/us (not just in the negative sense, the persecution, although there was plenty of that).
Great-grandfather, Leib Landau, above, died in Vienna in December 1938. Dora Landau Diamant (left) was deported to Minsk in November 1941. Clara (right), our grandmother, escaped to the United States. Photo sent to me by Fran Shaller, daughter of a third sister, Salka, whose parents also escaped to New York, through Switzerland.
I have some immediate business here. A great grandfather’s grave to visit–I am his namesake—and a great-aunt to honor. (She was deported and did not survive.) I’d like to bring these people forward a bit, in our minds. And of course, there is a lot here to satisfy the aesthete. Because during all of this, my travels, my personal relationships, and my work have taught me an appreciation for beautiful things.
I am here to reconcile with Vienna and to see what it has become.
My friends may wonder why I choose to retire now. Although well past 65, there is no employer asking me to leave; I have clients and can still work, and I have a good life in New York, with good friends—including my best friends–an apartment that has been home since 1989 and an upstate house. Why would I give this all up?
It is not that I want to let go, rather that I have imagined something else. This imagining has developed over time, while what I have here is no longer working. So, I have decided to leave to pursue other interests.
For many years, I was a real estate appraiser and more recently a broker. I was drawn to housing by beauty and saw a lot of it. Sometimes it was not so beautiful close-up, but I enjoyed it, became good at it, was paid for it, and perhaps continued with it for too long. I did a lot of writing, of lengthy, detailed appraisal reports, and many articles, mostly about the Manhattan housing market. Now I want to see and write about other things.
Me, when I had bigger dreams (In a photo saved by Scot Coughlin.)
There are regrets. Regrets about some of my relationships; regret that I never focused too much on earning money so that retirement may be tight. Regret that I may eventually give up my apartment, where I feel most at home, and perhaps eventually a house that I love very much.
Earlier in my life, I read and thought about broader issues–many of us did. I lived abroad, first with my parents and then on my own, studied languages, read history and politics, roamed a bit, met different types of people and learned different ways of thinking. But then I narrowed myself, to be secure, and now I want to take the time available to me to broaden again and dig deeper. I’m 68, so I’m hoping for ten years of adventure before settling down to something quiet.
It is now time to tell the people I love that I will stay close, even when not around.
Vienna calls me; my mother was a refugee from Vienna, although we were protected from this past. I now have an Austrian passport, and there is something for me to see and resolve. I’m not sure what.
Once we nearly two hundred thousand; now there are hardly any Jews left in Austria, so in my older age I am perhaps more of a Jew than I have ever been, an American Jew invited back. I am intrigued, and the direction of politics in my own country makes me less inclined to feel judgmental.
This is a tall hill to climb. I speak French, not German. My family moved beyond the past; we assimilated; German was not spoken; we were only mildly observant. Now I’m studying Hebrew and German and so reclaiming some things that were purposefully forgotten. I cannot be my ancestors, a wig maker or a restaurant owner in Vienna, a religious judge, a farmer, an orthodox rabbi in Galicia, a multi-lingual customs official in Odessa, but I can show up as I am now, see what Vienna has to teach me, and show others what America did for us and whom we have become.
Vienna may never feel like home, but that is not the point. There is something there, for a year, or two, or more, before I move elsewhere or come home.
This morning (Sunday, June 6), I searched the StreetEasy website for real estate in Manhattan and found 282 cooperative and condominium apartment listings on the Upper West Side, priced from $3 to $10 million. Most buyers would not look across so broad a price range, but roughly half of them (144) are priced from $3 to $5 million, and the remaining (138) are asking above $5 and up to $10
In these elevated price ranges, many would expect to see a number of large and beautiful apartments.
Emphatically that is not the case. Many of the apartments are underwhelming. Their insufficiency is not a function of price, since the market generally imposes its discipline on overpriced apartments, nor of condition, since older or inadequate renovations can be redone.
Many available units lack interest because they have poor light, poor views and outlooks, or awkward floor plans. Often they are architecturally uninteresting, or have high monthly maintenance charges. These faults are not easily corrected.
Certainly, every apartment can eventually be sold to someone who loves it. Size and beauty are dictated largely by individual needs and tastes. Nevertheless, it is not worth buying a place to live that is dark and faces nothing or that has an unworkable plan. That is not quality, no matter how good the address. There are better things to be found elsewhere.
They may be hard to find.
Over many years, I have seen beautiful places in nearly every price
range, including well below $3,000,000, but there are relatively few of
them. And they may not be available at any
particular point in time.
Among the 282 apartments, I have chosen four that are interesting.
67 Riverside Drive, 9B, asking $3,200,000, monthly $4,757: This apartment is beautiful, despite some flaws, and it offers an unusual combination of light and views, in a three-bedroom layout, with appealing detailing, and in superb, remodeled condition. The building is a small 1906 cooperative, a few steps up from the sidewalk and was built only four apartments per floor; it does not have a doorman, which narrows its appeal, but the lobby and hallways are extraordinarily clean and polished. The height of the views from the 9th floor from nearly every room, is perfect–through big windows and delicate iron railings, over a wide stone shelves and the clearly visible trees of Riverside Park to the River. Every room has built-ins, and the kitchen and bathrooms have been flawlessly renovated in a respectful, up-to-date taste. The living-dining room, master bedroom and kitchen are large, for an apartment that the Brown Harris listing broker indicated at about 1,500 square feet. Critiques of the interior plan are a relatively small master bathroom, and the placement of the large main bathroom in what is now the main entry hallway. This apartment has the larger front rooms of what was originally a larger, longer apartment. Here is the link. https://streeteasy.com/building/the-riverdale/9b
33 West 67th Street, 5RW, $4,795,000, monthly $6,127 : I favor smaller buildings. They offer intimacy and privacy and ironically encourage you to know your neighbors. 33 West 67th Street is one of three nearly-identical co-ops, located on a famous art-studio block between Central Park West and Columbus Avenues. Built in 1903 with 33 apartments, it has housed Philippe Halsman, the portrait photographer, Candace Wheeler (founder of the School of Decorative Arts), James Montgomery Flagg (Uncle Sam, 1917), and briefly, Marcel Duchamp.
Apartment 5FW, on the 9th and 10th floors, has a generous, double-height living room (about 17’) and a tall studio window facing north over the Upper West Side, a working fireplace, large open cook’s kitchen and dining room, powder room, and three bedrooms with two baths. It has been extensively renovated and updated, with central air-conditioning and an ideal master suite. This is my listing at Sotheby’s. https://www.lawrencesicular.com/nyc/sales/00117178-33-West-67th-Street-5FW-New-York-NY-10023
Angela Davis by Philippe Halsman, 1974, Wikimedia Commons
41 Central Park West, 6B, $5,750,000, monthly $5,130: I seem to have a weakness for pre-World War I apartments, since this is the third one here. This 64th Street building is distinguished by its tan brick entry court, manned gatehouse and intimate entry lobbies. Apartment 6B is a corner unit, facing Central Park and the skyline of Central Park South. It has two sets of French doors, with panes, each of which sits between a pair of single, vertical-sash windows and opens to a balcony with decorative iron and copper railing.
The apartment has been extensively and attractively renovated. The placement of the kitchen is not ideal, but has left room for two nice bedrooms with baths. It is on the market with Compass. https://streeteasy.com/building/harperley-hall/6b
The same apartment on the 9th floor has not been remodeled, but is currently under contract following an asking price of $3,900,000. Its floor plan is probably closer to the original.
The actor Arnold Daly, a resident of Harperly Hall Theatre Magazine 1904
262 Central Park West, 5A, $8,500,000, monthly $5,864: The White House is a large white and tan brick 1927 building that is not particularly distinguished, but its plain envelope contains some very good apartments. This one, estimated at 3,200 square feet, is on a corner of the building. Its gracious, useable layout includes an 18’ x 9’9” entry gallery, opening to the living room, dining room, library and eat-in kitchen (with maid’s room and bath). The library has a full bathroom and walk-in closet, and there is also a separate hallway with three bedrooms and two bathrooms. The floor height is good enough for a view and low enough to see what is going on. The windows are very large and some are with single panes, lending a contemporary feel to a pre-war apartment. https://streeteasy.com/building/262-central-park-west-new_york/5a
Morris Henry Sugarman of Sugarman and Berger, architects of 262 Central Park West, NYTimes 1946
I am a new Austrian. That is I was recently given Austrian citizenship and a passport under Section 58c of the Austrian nationality act (2019), which offers dual nationality to descendants of victims of Nazi persecution.
For most of my 68-year life, this was unimaginable. My mother was born in Vienna, and fled in 1939, but turned away from the place that turned away from her. She did not think of herself as Austrian. The United States was her country and California her home. Otherwise only Israel really mattered. She rarely spoke German and never with us.
Mom as a young immigrant
We lived in Asia as children, in India and Singapore, traveling in Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand, and Japan. . . and then came back through Europe in the 1960’s, where we spent three ill-considered weeks in Austria.
For Mom that was it. She had no further interest, and unlike her friends, she never went to Europe again. The Austrians could not be separated from the Nazis, nor the Poles from anti-Semitism. Dad read European history extensively, trying to make sense of Germany, but I didn’t listen to him.
And as I knew her, an American
Mom did arrange French lessons for me, and I continued in school and into college, before moving to Paris (funded by my parents) in 1972. Mom also taught social discipline, attentiveness. She told us to watch and respect the habits of our hosts. “Your country is judged by your behavior” she said.
With some adjustments, France was a liberation for the son of a European immigrant. I stopped struggling to be like everyone else and knew intuitively how to act. Such was the background to my lifelong relationship with France: an admiration for sophistication–a disdain for the overly material or obvious, a preference for food that tastes.
France became my idea of Europe. It is where my friends were, so I grounded there when traveling to England, Italy, Spain, or Berlin. A history course about Vienna, with Carl Schorske at Princeton, and a class in German (which I barely passed) didn’t hold me. It was France that had my interest. I didn’t think much about Austria, until last year when my sister told me we could apply for Austrian passports. I was surprised and pleased. An EU passport would allow me to spend more time in France.
Sometime in the lengthy application process, my interest changed. My grandfather, a progressive orthodox rabbi’s son, moved from Galicia to Vienna as a teenager and then served in the Austrian army in World War I. My grandmother was as a sheitel macher (a wig maker for Orthodox women), although her own glory was her long blond hair. I am named after her father, who is buried in Vienna’s Central Cemetery, but I have never been there.
My grandparents started a few small businesses and by the late 1930’s owned a couple of small buildings and a workingman’s restaurant (Gasthaus). They spoke German and assimilated, but they were not part of the Viennese bourgeoisie.
I don’t want to kid myself. We are far distant. I hardly knew them and cannot go back to where they left off. But there is something there for me; something I’d like to understand more deeply; a sensibility or an outlook that could feel familiar; something different from France.
So far I’ve not done much; a few history books and German lessons with a language professor in Klagenfurt (south Austria). I’d like a trip to Vienna, when the Covid doors re-open; perhaps a class in history or political science; another doorway to Europe; an understanding of a history and culture that was strikingly influenced by Jews, a closer link to what we purposefully forgot. My sister has used the term reconciliation.
I’d like to follow this road a bit before old age catches up
with me.
My Sister
I started this story yesterday and then lost the draft, so I have started it again, and I need to make hay of it. . . .
My sister is a something of a hero; she is stable, thoughtful, considerate. . . accomplished, and her life is about more than herself. She is an academic and an independent woman, the ideal daughter of our parents. She could be no one else’s daughter. Yet she is unlike either of them.
So I’ve written a brief story about her. A story about who she is and how she became that way. I have written it as a fiction, because my sister also represents other women whom I know, and while my goal is to describe her, I do not want to be constrained by accuracy or by the realities of what may actually occur. And since this is a short essay, I’d like to focus it on her most important relationship, which is that with her daughter.
For while my sister is her mother’s daughter, she is also her daughter’s mother. She has brought into her adult life the values and encouragement of her parents, but she is decidedly unlike her mother; nor did she want her mother’s life. She deliberately raised her daughter differently than she was raised. Only her daughter’s occasional unhappiness ruffles her generally calm composure, and yet there is something very familiar about my sister as a mother. And that is the intensity of her love and commitment. Never, as a child in our parents’ home, was there was anything more important than the children—not until we had moved out. In this, my sister is very much her mother.
Mallorca, 2022
—————–
My sister, whom I’ll call Charla, lives in a solid, brick, Victorian house on one of those straight streets you see in Toronto or in smaller Ontario towns. This one is London, or as we call it “little London”, a small 19th century city with an established business community and a large public university where both my sister and her husband teach.
Charla was not raised in London. She is an American, a California girl, born in San Jose in the mid-1950’s. She doesn’t fit any California stereotype, and yet she is west coast, in a careful way that retains a low-key informality, and a relaxed, pacific, American accent. She is slim and physically fit, well-dressed but informal, with something original in her choices. Charla moved to London for a man; not her husband, but the earlier one, the one she met as a young professor at Stanford—the one who didn’t work out and no longer matters.
She is a professional woman, an academic, a social scientist, speaking Mandarin and analyzing regressions. As a child in Asia, she was stared at by those unused to seeing “Europeans”. As a young woman, she was also used to being watched, one of the rare westerners in Chinese villages, speaking with farmers, collecting and analyzing data on household production. Now she is a senior professor, with a long list of publications, a significant China economics prize, a network of colleagues, and ongoing research projects. She is the kind of woman who thinks carefully and does her homework; the kind whose sexuality and professional opinions are careful and discrete, so as not to ruffle her mostly-male colleagues; the kind of sister who studies the menu before ordering.
Today, she is cleaning up, focusing first on the kitchen and then moving into the double living room and the dining room. The cleaning service comes just once or twice a month, and Charla’s husband (and daughter) have never been particularly conscious about where they leave things. But Charla prefers order, and she is cleaning up for her daughter, Thea, now 28 and due home later this afternoon from London, that is the “big” London in Great Britain.
Thea is an actress, an artist, and a writer, and she is free in a way that my sister has never been. Charla saw her daughter’s unusual character and encouraged it, unlike her own glamorous mother, who loved her, but insisted on rules and discipline, on prescribed social behavior, on control, and whose decisions were rarely negotiable.
Charla’s mother was of another generation; she had a different life, one that could never let go entirely of the horrible things she saw in Europe. She wanted her children to stand out, but not too obviously; she wanted them to adapt and get along in many different circumstances. She wanted them to move forward, but she also wanted them to be safe. Charla’s mother was influenced early by the women’s movement. She went back to work and paid for two expensive college educations. She insisted that her husband make some changes around the house, but not too many changes. She took it as far as she could. For her daughter she wanted more; she wanted independence. “You can have a man but not need one.”, she said.
India, early 1960’s
And so Charla did. Her husband makes some traditionalist noises, but not much more than that. He is articulate and Canadian, that is low key; he does his own thing and leaves the women in his family to do theirs. As a child, Thea was blond and gorgeous, outspoken and unafraid, or so it seemed. Her grandmother’s fears were not even a distant memory, and her mother, unlike her grandmother, was unwilling and unable to be an absolutist.
Thea was verbal and intelligent, and she preferred to show her real feelings, even as she strove to fit into the largely working-class city around her. She gravitated to other girls, and makeup and clothes and femininity, initially to those glamorous and slim, blond and brunette girls who get a lot of attention in smaller north American towns, but she had a brashness and originality that eventually led her to a more eclectic group of creative kids in her high school years. Thea enjoys attention, more so than either of her parents, but she adores her friends and is perfectly happy to turn her attention elsewhere. She has an associative intellect, unlike the more linear mind of my sister; and so her parents guided and encouraged her inclinations, leading to an arts-based education and eventually to training as an actress in an English university.
Thea is coming home this afternoon with a man–not the first young man that my niece has dated, nor the first that they have met, since Thea hides nothing from her parents. But this man sounds serious, at least Thea says he is. He is a tall, slim, Anglo-American, who was born in England and mostly raised in the western United States. He too is an actor, and like Thea a very good one.
Charla’s daughter is now a young woman, still blond and beautiful with what in previous generations might have been called an English complexion, so well-shaped that one does not immediately notice that she is tiny. Her features have some tinge of our Jewish family familiar, but physically she is more clearly a re-incarnation of her beloved paternal grandmother. With all this, she has constituted an exquisite, glamorous young woman, who carries herself carefully, but with a certain freedom, aware that she is attractive—she is certainly not a prude–but not too much so. She can be timid, but she is more notably out-going and outspoken, with strong opinions, unwilling to tolerate any injustice, a bit brash, even a little loud, in contrast to her exquisite, small person. She loves her many, many, sometimes unconventional and well-chosen clothes. In her style and her presence, her fusion of glamour and strength, her occasional vulnerability, she reminds my sister of her own mother. “I’m raising my mother.” my sister has said.
And like her grandmother she is, intensely proud of the Jewishness she has inherited from her, of her refugee origins and her grandfather’s commitment to social justice. Like her mother (and her uncle) she was raised with everyone, in a primarily Christian world where Jews are a tiny minority. Her assimilation is innate, in her closeness to her father and his very large Ontario-Canadian family. Yet in her Jewishness she is linked to her mother, to her grandmother, and to the oppressed. She is not so familiar with ethnic Judaism as we know it in New York, or even in Los Angeles, but in little London she was introduced to antisemitism much earlier than her northern California mother. She has educated herself about the tribe she was not raised with, through summer camp, through some of her friends, through the mediums of film and theater, and through her script writing, and she has committed herself to it.
The outline of this visit home will not be unusual in its outward forms. There will be breakfasts and dinners, walks in the park along the Thames River, visits to the covered market downtown. There will be long conversations, and I, the uncle, as always, will be very far away, getting my telephone reports afterwards from my sister.
Of course Charla is aware of all of this, but this afternoon she is focused on the present, on the joy of seeing her daughter, her preparations at home and the anticipation of meeting the young man she has heard about.
For Thea this man is important, and so is her parents’ reaction to him. There is a little stress, as she cannot imagine forgoing the love of any of them. This young man is not like anyone in her family. He is tall; he is boyish, he is seemingly relaxed, attentive, auburn, creative, strong. He is distinctly non-Jewish, or so it appears. She doesn’t idolize him; he can be so annoying; he isn’t always listening, and he doesn’t always give in to what she wants. And yet she does.
She has been seeing him for about a year. Although this is fiction, I’m not sure I want to give this man a name. The purpose of this story is not only to invent but also to observe a reality, that is an eventuality, in my sister’s life. This is that her daughter will bring home a man who is delightful, but who may be foreign. Someone that my sister, who listens to everyone, and has met everyone, will have to work a bit to understand. Someone who is not like Charla’s father, a bit more like her husband, but much younger, less formed, and therefore less clear to her. There may be nothing wrong with this young man, but she has limited experience with this kind of person, and if this is serious, she wants to be convinced.
Thea and her beau are scheduled to arrive at about noon in Toronto, and then after a two-hour layover, sometime after three at home in little London. Thea’s arrival is never anti-climactic. It is with a rush of feeling and happiness, an enthusiasm that reaches out to her parents, to her friends and even to her room. It is high-octane and genuinely happy, suited to a girl who is loved by her parents and loves them back, and to Thea’s enthusiastic love of the family dog. The dog’s primo is Charla, but when Thea visits, he often sleeps in her bed.
On this trip Thea is not alone, and what matters to Charla is what she observes in this young couple, in this young man. Would he be a reliable husband to her daughter; can he handle her outgoing ways, her vulnerability; is he strong enough; does he have his own life and his own way forward; does he love her? Has he even asked her? Clearly he adores her, but Charla chose appreciation not adoration, which she distrusts. Her father adored her mother consistently for fifty-five years, but he could not always see her. But Thea is a young woman who wants to be loved and adored, and so reclaims some of the traditional interaction of male-to-female relationships, because she has the freedom to do so. She is not threatened by it. She can need and have a man.
And this one is truly pleasant to look at, tall and with the boyish good looks that are my niece’s preference. Friendly, just a little shy, which is appropriate when first meeting a woman’s parents. Smart and reasonably articulate, although not in the manner of my sister’s colleagues, and he doesn’t talk too much, leaving Thea plenty of room to assert herself. He is successful, in his way, with some good theater parts in his resumé, and a willingness to fill-in financially with voice-over and restaurant work—he trained as a sommelier.
But need she marry another actor, and is he reliable? So many young men walk away as the adoration fades, from the responsibility of children. Charla’s husband needs space, but she can count on him. He certainly pulled weight when Thea was a child, and Charla was working for weeks or months in China. And Charla’s father was reliable and a protector. Her mother was free to take on whatever challenge she did or did not want, knowing that her husband would always be there.
Yes, money does matter, particularly when there are children. Thea is an actress, a good one. She is doing well in London, but acting does not provide a regular income, unless the actor is extremely successful. Charla and her husband have been good with savings, but there is only so much of it. Must Thea choose another actor? Why not a guy with a stable job, who will reliably be at home while she is working? Will this all work? And this young man—does he measure up to Charla’s two men? My niece wants children, not one or two, but three or four, so it matters. But Charla is not one to readily misjudge, and how can she tell?
The young man is a good guest. He takes their luggage up to Thea’s room ; he is willing to talk and offers to help while meals are being made; he helps clear the table. He is friendly and chatty, certainly about cultural things, and he answers questions, without revealing too much about himself. Thea says he’s a bit shy. But his parents, what are they like? Our own grandfather was an alcoholic and a failure; our father the most reliable man she ever met. . . so does it matter? Charla likes this guy, not overwhelmingly, but he is easy to get along with. And does liking him really matter, if her daughter is happy with him? Her husband grouses a bit at night, after they have gone to bed, but he would have a critical eye on any man whom his daughter brought home, and she sees that he has enjoyed talking to this one.
And so without a firm basis for knowing, Charla cannot yet exercise instinct; she’s just not able to. So she decides to put her opinions on hold. Her job, at this point, is to enjoy her daughter’s visit, to have a good time, to get to know this young man in case this seriousness persists.
And so for a wonderful week, she enjoys the long conversations at breakfast, or while walking the dog, the visits to her mother-in-law and from her brothers-in-law and their wives, visits from a few of Thea’s cousins who are around. They spend a day in Toronto, to hear a concert and to have lunch. She leaves the young couple their time alone, to explore London or to visit close high school friends. Parenting is no longer a full time job, not even part time. The thoughts are still there, but the effort can and must go to other things. Charla and her husband are retired now. She has her research and her reading, an occasional teaching or consulting gig abroad; he has his art, an occasional exhibition, and his interest in other people’s work. Someday, perhaps, they will be grandparents and then will step up again and help, assuming that Thea doesn’t wait too long.
So she’ll encourage Thea to wait a little, not too long, enough to have some ups and downs before committing to marriage, certainly to children. And she won’t attempt to control it. She doesn’t need to. It isn’t her decision; this is her daughter’s life. She’ll suffer if her daughter is unhappy, but that comes with the territory. Her job is to help her daughter be free, to be herself, to shine and do good in the world, to make her own mistakes. This is what her own freedom, her independence, has allowed her to do. She raised and helped her daughter as best she could; but she cannot control the backward or forward of it.
Vienna, Austria, June 2022